I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
