I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
