ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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