I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
birth control should be required to get into college
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
