I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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