A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
