420 ftw
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize