Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize