Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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