SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
