census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
