You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
