God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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