so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
