Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
