It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
