my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
