Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
