I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
