"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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