come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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