I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
