the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
