The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize