life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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