Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
