Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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