Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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