Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
