watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
