Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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