TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
