1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
