Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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