Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
