You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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