It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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