if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
