A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
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