Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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