your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
