just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
