the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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