"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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