Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
