dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
