I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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