Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
