I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
