I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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