Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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