Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
