Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
