Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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