How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
