Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
