They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
