Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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